When did silence become such an integral part of our lives?
It was never this way. Not when we were children at Satasrunga mountains, unaware that we were born to a king, unfamiliar with royal trappings that later wrapped themselves around us like the coils of a snake. We were boisterous boys, and our laughter, shouting and frequent childish arguments would keep the animals away from our part of the woods.
Silence was not familiar to us even at gurukul, despite the evident dissonance between us and our cousins. The many times when cousin Duryodhana and Dushasana along with Karna created difficulties for us there and when brother Bhim reminded them none too gently why they mustn’t. We spoke about it all, us five, questioned why, debated, raged and then calmed ourselves.
It was not silence we resorted to when we broke out of the tunnel and into the deep, dark forest leaving behind the palace of lac that was supposed be our funeral pyre. We gave voice to our rage, our sorrow, our grief that those we considered family wanted us dead. We screamed, wept, shouted until we finally spent ourselves.
Never silence.
We always spoke our minds. All of us. And Eldest listened. To all of us. Especially to Sahadeva.
But today, as Krishna awaits our answer, silence is all we have. He wishes to go himself with a message of peace to Hastinapur now that our Agyaathvaas is complete.
A ‘yes’ from Eldest, from us, will mean we risk being labelled cowards. Again. For not charging towards Hastinapur and snatching back the kingdom of Indraprastha that we raised from ground.
A ‘No’ will mean we set foot first on the path that leads to war. A war with our own. A war that will not remain confined to Hastinapur or Indraprastha but will sweep through the whole of Aryavarth.
An unusually serious Krishna glances at the five of us by turn, his eyes demanding an answer. No, make that four. He already knows Arjun’s answer, I’m sure.
I wonder what it is; the answer of the most powerful warrior in all of Aryavarth. War is not new to Arjun. He has never sought it himself, but it always finds him. It is strange really. Victory is his handmaiden. And still, Arjun remains disinterested in war. To outsiders, this is often a conundrum but not to me, the brother who grew up with him in the peaceful environs of the forest.
Our childhood was spent imbibing the lessons of life from Nature. Observing the mighty lion, when satiated, look away with disinterest from a fat deer even if it gamboled right next to him. There was no blood shed when there was no need.
And then, I realize that I know Arjun’s answer too. In fact, I have known it since Brihannala took on the Kaurava army. I had known it the minute I set eyes on Arjun, drenched crimson from nearly head to toe, when he stepped into the palace through the obscure rear entry way. The calm in his eyes told me he had spared them all- the gurus, Pitamah, guruputr, Angraj, our…. brothers.
Brother Bhim unexpectedly appeared beside me in that dark passage. And I tensed immediately as his eyes swept over Arjun. And then his massive fists clenched tight and I heard a low enraged growl emanate from deep in his throat. His massive frame shook with the fury he was trying to reign in. And then he took a deep breath and calmed himself before silently walking back to his kitchen.
I guess I know Brother Bhim’s answer too.
I was surprised then. Brother Bhim, for all his incredible strength, was the gentlest with us three younger boys. And with him always just within earshot, neither the predators of the Satasrunga nor those at Gurukul ever felt like a serious threat to our lives. I know everyone associates Brother Bhim with violent aggression. But the only thing we could associate with him was protective concern. I was startled then to watch him take in Arjun’s blood soaked body and simply walk away. But I understand now that Bhim’s answer mirrored Arjun’s.
Eldest had learned to think like a king from early on. He would never prefer bloodshed when there was yet a chance for peace. Especially not when we knew the war would raze to ground many powerful kingdoms and clans across the land.
Unusually enough, it is my twin’s answer that I am unsure about. My eyes have been upon him all the time and he has not made any attempt to hide his rage at all. His eyes burn with anger, with vengeance. An emotion that I have seen in all our eyes through these 13 years.
At the beginning it was all I could see myself. It clouded my vision. And then, as the years passed by, I understood. The war would not be the end; it would be the beginning. And to handle the aftermath we needed to prepare and fortify ourselves.
When Arjun was leaving on his quest for heavenly weapons, I had asked him why. I argued that he could probably not use them all; they were too destructive. He said that he hoped he would never use a single one of them. That merely the fact that he had them would ensure that he never needed to use them.
In time, it had dawned upon me that both my elder brothers had been preparing not for war but to show the enemy the utterfutility of it. Brihannala’s victory came without claiming the lives of any of the Kaurava key warriors. Yet another bid to drive home the futility of a war that already had its victors pre-determined.
But still, I don’t think we were surprised to hear Sanjaya haltingly tell us that our Uncle wanted peace but without giving us what was rightfully ours. I knew it as soon as Sanjaya walked into the sabha with the message. The way he would not meet any of our eyes, the subdued voice, the lack of conviction in his tone and of confidence in his gait. We all knew we had been forced a step closer to war then.
And now? Now, Krishna was insistent that he would try again. It would be one last chance at averting the war, we all knew that. Sahadeva’s restless fidgeting told me that he was NOT in favour of any peace talks and I understood. He has always been one to keep his emotions tightly under control. He and Arjun were surprisingly alike that way. Neither was adept at giving voice to emotions. But Arjun’s Gandiva had spoken eloquently when the Kauravas had come to Matsya with their ill-advised go-harana plan. Sahadeva’s voice had not quite found such expression.
It was not that he sought war. He knew the cost of it too but he, more than any of us, believed that Duryodhan was incapable of righteousness. My twin’s judgement was infallible. I was inclined to believe him.
And yet, I wanted Krishna to go with his message of peace. Yes, I had seethed with fury when we had been exiled. Yes, the very sight of Panchali’s drawn face and calloused hands made my heart bleed. Yes, I had been ecstatic when Arjun had returned with the Pasupata, which had no equal in the mortal world.
I wanted justice too. I too wanted Duryodhan and his friend to learn that the price for Panchali’s insult would be extracted in flesh and blood. But, I too, like my elder brothers had heard the whispers among the people of how Draupadi had turned the Pandavas vengeful. The same Pandavas who had remained for long in the forest without returning for vengeance despite almost being burnt to death at Varnavart.
War would not only mean large scale destruction. It would also mean that Draupadi lived with yet another stain on her character and this one would be painted upon her for eternity with the tears of innumerable widows and orphans.
Perhaps Sahadeva knew it was inevitable. He probably did. And his fury was only intensified by that fact. But the rest of us? We still harbored a tiny hope that Pitamaha would intervene.
Ironically, perhaps the youngest of us all was the least naïve of us all too.
Loved it where you say Pitamah to intervene. It would have changed the course of the story. Great tribute, to Nakul. Felt a feather cross my face reading about Bhim’s gentleness. Also, Arjuna detesting war after the Matsya episode. Great writing!!
It filled my eyes with tear for Nakula saying about brother bhim's protective nature.Eldest was more mature like a god it's only brother bhim with whom Nakul mixed Arjuna,sahadeva both hide their emotions and say when needed.Nicely narrated 🙏 Sahadeva hope all scattered knowing the future that's why he is more mature though youngest.(Nakula)
Very nice to see a message for Nakula that hero who was brave,who always carried like a hawk to destroy enemy.perseverance,bravery, beauty of person, humility are all present in Nakula.In anusasana parva he asked about swords origin to Bhisma,that said no one among that era was as accomplished swordsman as nakula.Truely we want more on Nakula,sahadeva.
Beautiful! Especially the ending para of wanting Pitamah to intervene, knowing he wont and how the youngest was the least naive among them!! So little has been written about the twins so its always nice to read something about them
Thank you. Yes, unfortunately the personalities of the Pandavas are very little explored and that too, the twins are really not often seen with any depth at all.
Thanks, it actually helps flesh out the character and then it makes it easier to incorporate the character into a larger series or a full story. Otherwise, I can't 'see' Nakula/ Sahadeva when I'm writing them :(
Loved it where you say Pitamah to intervene. It would have changed the course of the story. Great tribute, to Nakul. Felt a feather cross my face reading about Bhim’s gentleness. Also, Arjuna detesting war after the Matsya episode. Great writing!!
Thank you
It filled my eyes with tear for Nakula saying about brother bhim's protective nature.Eldest was more mature like a god it's only brother bhim with whom Nakul mixed Arjuna,sahadeva both hide their emotions and say when needed.Nicely narrated 🙏 Sahadeva hope all scattered knowing the future that's why he is more mature though youngest.(Nakula)
Very nice to see a message for Nakula that hero who was brave,who always carried like a hawk to destroy enemy.perseverance,bravery, beauty of person, humility are all present in Nakula.In anusasana parva he asked about swords origin to Bhisma,that said no one among that era was as accomplished swordsman as nakula.Truely we want more on Nakula,sahadeva.
Thank you so much for your appreciation and feedback.
Beautiful! Especially the ending para of wanting Pitamah to intervene, knowing he wont and how the youngest was the least naive among them!! So little has been written about the twins so its always nice to read something about them
Thank you :)
Yes, the twins are usually not in the spotlight
Thank you. Yes, unfortunately the personalities of the Pandavas are very little explored and that too, the twins are really not often seen with any depth at all.
Nice POV experiment, helps to bring out Nakula's personality
Thanks, it actually helps flesh out the character and then it makes it easier to incorporate the character into a larger series or a full story. Otherwise, I can't 'see' Nakula/ Sahadeva when I'm writing them :(